Monday, May 9, 2011

Marine Corps Blabber.

I've come to the conclusion I'm a talker. I talk too much...which is why this blog has probably been seeing a lot of my blabber lately. Even if people don't read it, I think I just feel better saying what I'm thinking. I'm not even sure if a lot of it makes any sense. SO I'm going to say a few things that are on my mind this afternoon:

*take a deep breath aaaaandddd begin*

(Marine Corps blabber)

Now that they're back out in the civilian world, I think they've become much more jumpy. (They as in Kyle and his friends.) Maybe it's because they're no longer in their comfort zone, on base. He talks in his sleep about the weirdest things. He twitches in his sleep. Potholes scare the living shwat out of him. He swerves to get away from anything suspicious in the road (but not to the point of putting us in danger), and when he accidentally runs something heart attack. Last night we had reeeeaally LOUD thunder, and he was at work on break, sitting next to an open window when a HUGE BOOM woke the whole town...He said his heart stopped, and was beating a million miles per minute after that.

A few weeks back, he heard voices in our backyard. I'm sure some drunk people just decided to cut through our yard on their way home from the bars, but he turned the lights off and sat in silence in the kitchen waiting to see if he needed to grab his rifle. (Keep in mind, this is happening while I was sleeping.) That's just SOME of what's been happening.

One of his buddies said he was driving under a bridge when the Semi behind him had the top half of his truck taken off. Apparently the bridge wasn't tall enough....WELL, naturally it crashed and it sounded like an explosion. His friend closed his eyes and stepped on the gas. He said his instinct was the get the eff out of there and FAST. He had to pull over after that and just sit there for a while. He went home and talked to Kyle about it.  I suppose I never noticed this stuff until I started living with him, but it's becoming a regular thing. 
It just makes me feel helpless knowing I can't take that nervousness away from him.
 It will forever be apart of him.

I know I've said this before, but I wish I could put all of his boys back together again. Ky loved the Marines. He loved his job, the fact that he was a leader and a teacher (a darn good one!). He loved deployments, and what he stood for. He felt like he belonged. Too much happened towards the end, re-enlisting became impossible. An overload of Marines made it harder for any of them to re-enlist, and all of them kept saying "It wasn't the same." Too many things have changed with the Marine Corps in the last few years, it made it hard to choose to stay or to move on. He will have the "what if" questions in his head, forever.

Of course the way I think, I believe things happen for a reason.
God has other plans for him.
God needed him somewhere else, doing something else.

 I have this fear of losing him, and some kind of separation anxiety. I'm not sure really how to explain it. I remember when I told some of his civilian friends girlfriends (mouthful) that, they looked at me like I needed major therapy. One girl actually told me I should really consider seeing a therapist for that. At the time I thought to myself "Thanks bitch...". lol BUT they will never understand, and I forget that. One of those girls is in the National Guard, and works as an Admin. They have known Ky since high school, and had nerve to say "Oh my gosh, remember that one time they almost had you deploy! we were so scared! thank God you turned that down." Kyle deployed to Iraq twice, and not one letter was written. Not one card. Care package. Comment on facebook/myspace. In the middle of a war, and nothing. I kept my words to myself after that moment. They just don't understand. I had to keep reminding myself. The one in the National Guard told me she joined to get her school paid for. Said she wears her Cammies to the grocery store, because she likes the attention. She likes having people thank her for her service.


(back to what I was saying because I just got WAY off track)

- I worry when he leaves the house without me. I worry he won't come home, that something will happen to him. I want to protect him. He's my baby. He's my whole world. He made it his whole life without something happening to him. He made it through two deployments, The kid went to war and I'm trying to protect him here? I sound like an idiot. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself, and I know that. I want to be there next to him, always. If I could put him in a bubble, sad to say- I think I would. lol.

God only knows what our future holds. I trust in him, and I know he will never lead us in the wrong direction. I feel blessed to be able to have this time spent next to somebody I'd like to consider my counterpart. I am grateful for every minute. I'm trying to get better at this...I'm trying to not fear the unknown, and I know I am just wasting energy worrying about things in our future. I mean honestly, I haven't even made it through today yet. shouldn't I focus on that first? haha
 I need to quit this asap!

I wasn't planning on this blog turning into this, but here it is.


1 comment:

  1. I could've told you forever ago that you were a talker! ;)

    Please don't outgrow me! Love you!!